I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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