My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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