I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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