my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
