apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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