New low: just hacked my moms facebook
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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