lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
