Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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