$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
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I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
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I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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