Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Randomize
