i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Randomize