It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
