Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
