i would punch a child for taco bell
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
