I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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