I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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