If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
