Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
