Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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