I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
