I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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