Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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