Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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