Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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