I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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