My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Randomize