So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
