i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
