I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
