Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
