after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
