"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
