K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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