dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
