he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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