Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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