everyone is single if you try hard enough
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
