I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
