bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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