Got a toothbrush?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
