someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
