Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
