the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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