I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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