I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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