He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
