Where did you get a picture of my penis
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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