She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
