matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
