My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
