3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon