if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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