I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
