Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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