I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
