We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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