Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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