Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
